My Mom, the Stubborn Brick Wall
Posted by Sean on September 3, 2008
I love my mom. As a child she did a great job at keeping me in line, while letting me get away with murder sometimes.
She was there for almost all my little league games. She attended the swim meets in high school where the humidity in the indoor pool was so thick you could taste the chlorine in the air. She also attended my high school volleyball games, even though she wasn’t that interested. These days she’s just driving the nurse in me NUTS!
I’m a registered nurse and a certified athletic trainer. So unfortunately I do know a thing or two about healthy living and the consequences of not living healthy! I’ve seen it from both sides of the coin.
My mother is not the healthiest person around. OK, let me rephrase that. My mom is not a healthy person who is in the biggest state of DENIAL.
She’s reaching 60 years of age. She is a transcriptionist for a local doctors office (Isn’t that Karma). She smokes. Not only does she smoke, but smokes A LOT. The last time I inquired about her habit, she was puttin’ away 2packs a day I think?
She also drinks coffee all day at work and then drinks hot tea at home. She orders take out food for her and my Dad’s dinner at least twice a week or more.
So let’s see. She’s about as sedentary as can be. Smokes cigarettes, drinks an abusive amount of caffeine, and probably consumes more trans fats in one week than you or I do in a couple months.
OH. Did I mention that BOTH her parents died at an early age from CANCER!!!!!!!!
Are you getting the picture here? I don’t think you have to have any medical training to understand how unhealthy her lifestyle is.
So every time I see her, I’m the one who plays the mean and nasty son who has to get on his healthy soap box and explain to my mother what she’s doing is expediting her travel time to the grave.
Lately she tells me she can’t lay totally flat because it’s too hard to breathe. So now she sleeps in a sitting position! Have you ever heard of COPD?How about CHF?
So I visited my mother today and I’m always frank with her. Hell I’m blatantly rude and brutally honest. “ Mom, do you realize we’re all going to watch you die in the hospital on a breathing machine?”
She seems to have an answer and/or excuse for everything that she does or does not do.
-I’m too old now
-My back hurts
-I have arthritis
The list is endless.
“Who do you think is going to be the decision maker when it comes to your end of life care? I know you don’t think your weak-stomached daughter will!” “Dad has already given me the explicit rights to his end of life care”
I know it’s not the most ‘caring’ or ‘compassionate’ way of talking to a loved one. But my mother is an old dog who won’t learn any new tricks, and I’m at my wits end. I really would like to see her change. Even a small change. A small change will extend her life by years if she would just try.
I love my mom and I’d like to see her stick around for a while.
How would you handle this brick wall?
stubborn dog radio fence said
A good one, thank for the post, i enjoyed reading it.Matt
Valerie said
Hi. I went through the same thing with my Dad, twisting myself into knots and bothering him non-stop. That is, until my boss gave me what I now see was the most precious gift: she told me I had to let Dad live his life the best way he knew how and quit trying to live it for him. She said I should accept him even if he didn't make the choices I wanted — even with critical health decisions. So I tried. He later told me he knew what he “should” do but felt like a failure when his willpower alone couldn't kick old habits, and then my harping made him feel even worse for letting the family down. I had no idea that's what my comments were doing. I am so thankful I backed off (mostly) and enjoyed our time and made sure he knew how much he was loved. He died unexpectedly this summer (not from anything I'd been harping on, either). It's hell losing him, but it would be worse if I had kept making him feel like he hadn't done right by us. Anyway, that's just one viewpoint. My heart goes out to you, and I hope your Mom comes around.
Strong One said
@ Valerie Thank you for sharing your story. It does make me re-think my attitude. Thank you.
@ Mark Thanks for trying? Not sure why it wouldn’t let you. I think you have to register on the website?
Strong One said
@ Valerie Thank you for sharing your story. It does make me re-think my attitude. Thank you.
@ Mark Thanks for trying? Not sure why it wouldn’t let you. I think you have to register on the website?
Mark Salinas said
Wow! Always a nice post here my friend…!
I tried voting for you but it wouldn’t let me!
Mark Salinas said
Wow! Always a nice post here my friend…!
I tried voting for you but it wouldn’t let me!
Valerie said
Hi. I went through the same thing with my Dad, twisting myself into knots and bothering him non-stop. That is, until my boss gave me what I now see was the most precious gift: she told me I had to let Dad live his life the best way he knew how and quit trying to live it for him. She said I should accept him even if he didn’t make the choices I wanted — even with critical health decisions. So I tried. He later told me he knew what he “should” do but felt like a failure when his willpower alone couldn’t kick old habits, and then my harping made him feel even worse for letting the family down. I had no idea that’s what my comments were doing. I am so thankful I backed off (mostly) and enjoyed our time and made sure he knew how much he was loved. He died unexpectedly this summer (not from anything I’d been harping on, either). It’s hell losing him, but it would be worse if I had kept making him feel like he hadn’t done right by us. Anyway, that’s just one viewpoint. My heart goes out to you, and I hope your Mom comes around.
Strong One said
@ Lynn Thank you for your kind thoughts, and thanks for visiting. Please stop back again.
Strong One said
@ Lynn Thank you for your kind thoughts, and thanks for visiting. Please stop back again.
Lynn Lagore said
It sounds like you’ve done a good job educating your mom already. There’s a saying: “You can lead an elephant anywhere it wants to go.” In my experience, people don’t change until THEY want to. I hope you can help influence what she wants in some way or another. In the meantime, from one mom for another, thanks for loving her.
Lynn Lagore said
It sounds like you’ve done a good job educating your mom already. There’s a saying: “You can lead an elephant anywhere it wants to go.” In my experience, people don’t change until THEY want to. I hope you can help influence what she wants in some way or another. In the meantime, from one mom for another, thanks for loving her.